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[25 Dec 2005|07:06am] |
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im updating so here it is.i moved out of long island and it makes me happy. i miss crystal though cuz shes a lot of fun, she picks her nose when shes bored.
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[03 Oct 2005|05:34pm] |
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i never wrote a happy entry.
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[12 May 2005|11:16am] |
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life is horrible as it is, and to have other people complicate it is a sign of stupidity, so heres a meesage to all of us with no fucking exceptions. i see all of my friends in situations as stupid as an 11th grade fight over fries and ketchup, my really good frind sara was stuck crying for an hour today because her best friend danielle has an issue with her girlfriends hanging out with the boys she knows, to me thats jealousy and low self esteem, one person can not tell another person not to hang out with someone unless there are some things previousely spoken of, that would create drama such as ex boyfriends, ex friends people who start shit etc. you know what i mean. well people, drama, drama drama.. dosnt do anything... i have a friend she lives for it, shes old and she makes me depressed just to be around because she wants everyone to either feel bad for her, constantly make her feel better, agree with whatever she says or get out of her life. people like that no one needs, and im sorry but if anyone wants to be happy ever they need to work their problems out, you can not hold grudges agains someone because you will lose them as a friend. and if you dont care about losing friends forever, then you dont care about how you make them feel and all that emotional shit that comes along so you shoudlnt have friend in the firssst place. work it out, you cant always be the center of attention and not everyone is going to like you, so whoever fucking does thank god for it and be fucking happy. things come your way for a reason, dont push them away because you thought something up in your head and are going to make it Your reality and push the friend away, you end up looking like a fucking idiot in the eyes of everyone watching this situation in the background, so you dont win, you havnt proven a point, you lost a friend and now you have nothing, an empty space and a lot of fucking bullshit drama to constantly talk about whenever you see someone who youd assume wants to listen to you, and they dont actually, they just sit there cuz they feel bad, and half of the time they want to help you, but its only you that can solve the problem. so wake up, jesus christ and realize how many friends dont ever give a shit about you anymore cuz you always have a reason to get mad at them or just stop being their friend (create DRAMA). people will turn away from you one day, before you even get a chance to say hello.
love and respect all the people close to you, there are things in life which drive us all apart and bring us together. and there are no reasons to be mad at eachother, its life, were in control of it and were young, were here to learn so dont judge someone by their random silly actions because most likely, that person is not thinking ahead, and people hurt other people not because they mean it, just because they dont know, ofcourse there are mean fucked up people but i hope none of my friends are considered one of those.
if you have something against someone trully and honestly, say it to them once so they know it, and then end it, erase it out of your life and erase them if you think its worth it, but god once and for all, stop spreading your emotional bullshit to all the people you know, because your saying some major shit about someone you dont even trully know. think about it. and whoever hears it might, or is going to think its true and that causes the other person to lose friends etc. does that make you happy or something? is that the meaning of your life? stop pushing people away cuz of your stupid fucking bullshit reasons that your pretty much grown up (or should be) mind should come up with, you should be BEYOND THAT. yet, you seem to do it with about everyone you know continually till this very day.
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[09 May 2005|10:33pm] |
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drama. you guys are so fucking gay with you drama.
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[05 Apr 2005|04:24pm] |
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relationaships are sooo much bullshit ti hillarious, and pat is never going to change. he poushes me away with his actions and it is already that im feeling better when hes not around.
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[01 Apr 2005|03:47pm] |
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what do you do when you dont get accepted to school for something you reall wanted because its a competitive field and the day of your interviev was a day they chose only semi professional and experienced transfer students or high school students with previous classes in fashion drawing , you fucking keep going and you re apply for a different major and you hope it will be fucking great.
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[31 Mar 2005|05:20pm] |
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jen is beautiful. i love jen. shes one of the puest individuals ive ever met, and by pure i mean true and real and honest and caring with a big heart, jen understands and tries to help. and shes hot. shes got it all and she dosnt even see it.
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[28 Mar 2005|03:58pm] |
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so this is it man, my dog was out to sleep even though he was only two, almost three he was allrgic to something and it killed him, my love life is in the trash its fucking raining i dont know but life is so horrible. like is a nightmare and all i want to do is leave and smoke cigarettes, i dont even want to go to college anymore,i dont have the drive to, im so sick of life and what it does i dont even want to fight it and become something, ozzies dead, you say youll change you say things will get better, i know you dont want me to leave yet the only time hat i feel like im worth soemthing to you are the moments where i say id ont want to be with you and you actually hold me and tell me you Dont want me to leave and that shit will work ou, well it wont, not with me feeling like this. my parents dont want ana nother dog, i dont knwo how um going to do this. im hurting non stop all the time, with my friends without them wioth pat withouth him with my parents by the table on easter all the fucking time,im miserable and i drove myself to it. my posts are fucking sad i am fucking sad, why is my life like this. what do i have to do, no one is ever going to make me happy becaiuse they will either be assholes or do something fucked up to me or make me feel worthless or i just wont like them in the first place. ozzies gone, and ive fucking had it man.
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[27 Mar 2005|03:34pm] |
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crushed |
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depeche mode |
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you make me feel like im really not good enough at fucking all. im not paris hilton, im not a party animal, i csnt tolerate you hooking up wtih other girls, and i fucking sick of how selfish you are, how you promise things when you know you might lose what you like. i feel like were together because you have to show it off, not that you actually like me. time will show, soon.
whack.
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[25 Mar 2005|03:03pm] |
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depressed |
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vh1 all star jams |
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day three: i think im dying.
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[21 Mar 2005|04:32pm] |
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so, pats coming back today. i think. i need to talk to him about shit. i missed him in school today, it sucks when youre in love with someone and unhappy at the same time. phil told me that if i feel like that itll eventually end, that ill leave him sooner or later cuz i just keep tryinng to fix things and if something is wrong itll just never be fixed iunless both sides work on it, true that. im sappy over a relationship as usualy, this is so fucking whack. anyway the weekeend was the bomb, i had so much funa dn i laughed a load my freiends are the best i miss them and i wanna go to the gym with jen again, but shes working, hopefully a good first day <3.i chopped my hair off its nice and spiky again (not like it wasnt before) well whatever, tomorrow i plan on seeing pat and talking to him, see where things end up.
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[20 Mar 2005|05:15pm] |
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music |
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the shins |
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last night pj, jen, rafal and i rented a room at the pine motel and drank red devils and beek all night while watcching some neat porn hahaha. it was good times, i made out with jen because shes my female lover. good times, rafal and i caught upo on eachothers lives too it was worth my time times thousand. i was happy.
awesome
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[17 Mar 2005|06:11pm] |
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numb |
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killers- on top |
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following day, im listening to killers and theyre good. they are. patrick left for florida today, we didnt have the most exciting and loveable night last night so it kinda sux, i hope he has fun and is safe i also hope he still thinks about me when hes there, i want him to miss me and maybe think about what i mean to him, if i mean anything hahhah. im going to go to the beach with crystal and then the diner, i would like someone else so come too but i dont know who would be down. these couple of days will be hard but i have to be strong. i cant give up and call him telling him i miss him ive done that enough and hes gotten too comfortable with it. i want to be happy right now.
theres a poem i wrote today.
i dont know if its good nor do i care i dont write for quality.
the lord of filth and sin
where Im standing
alone and bleeding
for the stars to fall
I saw you climbing down
with eyes sewn together
smiling with bucked teeth
your clothes,
ragged and burnt with vanity.
you smelled of wood and nature,
the child born
on a leaf,
on the dirt,
the wood and water.
the roots entangled
or shall in time
with the axe i stood
bleeding still,
the trears engraved in my cheeks
burning holes in my heart.
drawing words,
to keep you, to save you
cleanse.
tell me once more what
ive already known
how you grew into me
seeds sprung in my mind
changing me,
believing in what decieves me,
hurts me and dosnt stop.
youre like a tree, making Your way
through everything around you.
it scks a thousand times and its making me laugh when i read it but whatever. im doing this alot.
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[16 Mar 2005|04:15pm] |
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niemen |
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im going to try and write on here once more, perhaps now my days will be more interestins or my poetry more intriguing, wait none of you ever read my poetry besides mel, oh nice well anyway, patrick is leaving for florida for about 5 to 6 days and i plan on spending that time with my friends, friends who dont think im a coke addict and friends who mean a lot to me, so get ready, and yes tcc is gay now cuz kim has entirely replaced me, and im pretty sure shes not as cool as jen or i am so, great. and even if she is, this isint to insult anyone, still gay tcc is not tcc anymore. this bothers me so much too. ah
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[17 May 2004|04:35pm] |
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it is monday.
um right now, im bored so i will
type a little entry here.
yes, today was allright.
this weekend was a lot of fun,
friday was a bbq at stefans,
there were many people there
whos company i enjoy muchly,
jen and pj & brian were there <3<3
i got a chance to talk to patrick,
who interested me.
really weird situation, because i though my heart
wasnt capable of the warmth it once felt within.
i guess i was wrong...
saturday, back at stefans for a bit.
more jen , pj and patrick.
sunday, blood for blood show.
for the most part of it i wasnt even iside,
im not a fan of what molly blooms has done now,
the entire can not leave policy, wtf?
hung out with pat in the car, talked a lot.
such an intelligent kid, its good to have him on my mind.
constant smiles <3
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| awe snnap |
[15 May 2004|01:30pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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last night
at stefans house.
must of been
on of the best nights ive had
in a year and a half.
stefan thank you
for everything.
and theres so much <3
ah
ive been reading loads of bukowskis work.
hes amaizing.
the flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,
and the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
much
and nobody finds the
one
but keep
looking
crawling in and out
of beds.
flesh covers
the bone and the
flesh searches
for more than
flesh.
there's no chance
at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular
fate.
nobody ever finds
the one.
the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill
nothing else
fills.
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[28 Apr 2004|07:28am] |
i wont mention names,
but you should be smarter about this.
youre old enough to know
whats good and not good for you.
dont play these games,
if hes being an idiot leave.
once something is getting fucked up,
chances are it wont fix itself.
its not like you dont know this,
this isint written to make you feel bad,
this is written to let you know
that you dont need to feel bad nor sad.
you deserve to be happy,
and if happy means not next to him,
then..
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| all in river |
[24 Apr 2004|04:58pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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shoadowcasting- dearly departed |
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ok so its saturday almost 5 oclock
im waiting to jennifaws mommy to get home
so we can go out :)
and have a picnic with stefan
and hopefully laugh till we vomit.
haha..
im listening to dearly departed right now,
and yeah i really fucking love that band.
aside from everything, music wise theyre amaizing.
i feel fat today ahha.
isint that fucking great..
yeah woo.
ah okie thats all i guess,
hahah oh my i should really update more.
ilovemyfriends.
theyarebetterthanyoures.
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| wowie creative juices flow. |
[14 Apr 2004|12:42am] |
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my coughing |
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There are many things in life which cause people to feel emotions such a deep depression, overall unhappiness, a sense of low self esteem and severe feeling of loneliness, even when surrounded by a large amount of peers, friends or family. These certain feelings in my life are certainly due to heartbreak, past experiences and pain which life has brought along with its never ending troubles.
If a person was wise enough at a very young age to know, that if to get involved with another person on an emotional level, to create a feeling of mutual addiction is very dangerous, the world as a whole would be a better place. This though is not possible as far as our generation goes. True it is that, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but what’s strong enough to bring such great pain doesn’t necessarily stop you from breathing or forever pause the beat of you heart, but affect you greatly in many other ways. These ways are such as waking ever morning and now knowing why were here or what is our purpose, feeling lonely like as if there was no one here for us, to listen to us to be there for us. These feeling would most likely be considered some sort of chemical imbalance called depression. This is very common among teens, friends of mine and other people who I meet and encounter day after day. Feeling depressed is one of the most horrible feelings a person could experience, it is such a blank state of mind where all your drive for any sort of commitment whether it is to school work, friends relationships, our relationships with parents and even the way we live out life is simply taken away. Being sad most of the time with very few exceptions can really get to you on a long run. It is very tiring and the endless feeling of no hope for any help just makes it worse. Of course there is medicine to cure such negative ways we are forced to feel but those such as Prozac have there very negative effects. Once a person is on the drug they do indeed feel happier, they wake up and there is a sense of positivism and nothing can possibly get to them as if there were no errors and nothing in life to ruin their day. That is also a sane outlook on life which ever person has a right to live with although, I as I very emotional and fragile person happen to have quite troublesome times with achieving that. Also such drugs, once taken away give you a feeling of withdrawal and even deeper depression because you are aware of the fact that happiness does not come around unless you and on this type of medication. This sense of independence on a drug makes you feel weak as a person.
Heartbreak would most likely be one of the main reasons for which we individuals with this disorder feel this certain way. When a gentle person falls for someone they feel is worthy of their time, they put their trust in them, feel like there is understanding, those bring a feeling of similarity, who give you a sense of importance and make you feel like there is something out there to live for. Although unfortunately these good relationships don’t last long. It is true that nothing is forever and the longer it is the more painful and difficult it is to cope with afterwards, to cure ourselves. This almost gives me this feeling of being aware of the fact that since nothing lasts forever there is no point in ever feeling anything for anyone because well, it will end. Though I know that forever is such a painful word knowing that well, forever is eternity and we humans are only given a hundred years which very few get to live all throughout. Knowing this I live with hope that perhaps this one person one day will find me, which he was born to this world of endless torture to help me out, to help me cope with these difficulties I am forced to face. And I believe I myself am the reason why I feel this way so often because of such a negative outlook on the world. But the truth is if we really think about the world and where it is going these days there aren’t many positive things to look after. There is so much to worry about, just by being a teenager with the great amount of people who are unworthy of our time, liars, individuals infected with sexually transmitted diseases which they got by being empty headed and foolish and it is so easy to not know and fall into his trap. It is so hard to find someone good, intelligent and wise.
Being an eighteen year old in the year of two thousand four is more difficult than expected, with all the technology and all the advances to make our life easier we have forgotten about our self being. About the spiritual life that is inside of us. It does not matter how fast your car is, how much money you posses, how filled your closet is with worthless pieces of clothing. Feeling pretty will not give you the happiness that is necessary to be a mentally healthy person. So busy with creating advances, and easier living for those who are lazy we have completely forgotten about expanding our inner health. All that mattes is how much money will make in the future as far as I’m aware at this point, this is all I’m suppose to worry about, knowing that I am who will choose my future I need the necessary grades to get into my chosen college, then maybe I will take this deep breath and feel the freedom once i fulfill these tastks. Yet I know that will not happen because then I will need to worry about bigger things, being an older person brings other troubles along. So as far as it seems, it’s a never ending cycle for us human beings. A life is just a very long lesson to be learned, and it is true that it does not end. A person learns everyday, from experiences, encounters and pain.
A very wise person whom name I do not know once said that to truly feel happiness you need to experience pain first. I so highly agree with this opinion because well if you don’t know what hurts and how much of a horrible life is a life when sadness and monotonous depression are present, how can you possibly appreciate something that makes you happy. You wouldn’t, you would live on a happy life indeed, but without being thankful for all it has brought along and the fact that you are a truly happy person. So many individuals don’t realize this, I am not speaking of children in schools because most, although not all don’t have this sense of understanding because well maybe perhaps they haven’t matured to that point yet, or haven’t had the experience to ever feel the negativity some situations bring along. If for one day I could be a careless person, a person who is completely ignorant and careless I would most likely be so much happier, because not knowing is not hurting and knowing too much is just endless feeling of danger and worry and no hope for a better day because you know, deep inside that there could always be a downfall, and this down fall could end you.
that is all.
this was written by me 30 mins ago
to let my teacher know what i feel
because well she assigned this.
ps. i heart my jen and my stefan.
we had the most amaizing talk ever.
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| thats right im doing this as well. hahaha |
[10 Apr 2004|07:24pm] |
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radiohead- optimistic |
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01. who are you, what's our relationship:
02. how and where did we meet:
03. what's my middle name:
04. how long have you known me:
05. tell me one good thing about myself:
06. when you first saw me what was your impression:
07. my age:
08. birthday:
09. my favorite band at the moment:
10. colour eyes:
11. do i have any siblings:
12. have you ever had a crush on me:
13. what's one of my favorite things to do:
14. do you remember one of the 1st things I said to you:
15. describe me in 3 words:
16. name 5 things i love:
17. do you think i'm good looking:
18. how would you describe me to someone:
19. would you ever date me:
20. tell me one thing you've always wanted to say but never did:
21: what do you like most about me:
22: if we could spend a day together what would we do:
23: have we ever gotten in a fight:
24: do you think we will be friends for at least 3 or 4 more years:
25. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
26. What do you think my weakness is?
27. Do you think I'll get married?
28. What makes me happy?
29. What makes me sad?
30. What reminds you of me?
31. If you could give me anything what would it be?
32. When's the last time you saw me?
33. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
34. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
35. Are you going to put this on your livejournal and see what I say about you?
36. If I was an ice cream flavor, which would I be and why?
37. What song (if any) reminds you of me?
38. If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?
39. Would you make a move on me?
40. Do I cross your mind at least 1 time a day?
so the spring break wasnt that bad after all..
i spent most of my time with my friends trish jen pj stefan tony and..some of stefans friends at the parties he had at his house. danced a bit went to a bunch of shows, a trip upstate, lotsa cigarettes, being tough haha etc.
i have came to realize once again that because of my closest friends i am currently happy. guys you make my life.
allright this is for stefan and pj..
hahahaha
ive been tossin and forcin my style is awesome!!
Trish- "flooooossssssssin evey flooossin"
<333333
see what i mean :D
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